For Want Of Passion
by red2007
Summary: Kathryn's experiences on Quarra leave her wanting. Will she be ready to make a change? Will Chakotay? For VAMBs 2013 Secret Santa for Myu.


**Disclaimer: **These characters are the property of Paramount, no infringement intended. The story, however is my own.

**Author's Note: **This was written for VAMB's Secret Santa exchange for the lovely My who requested anything J/C. So here it is. Takes place immediately following Workforce and contains relatively suggestive adult…interactions ;)

**Thanks:** Myu for the simple and free prompt allowing me to run with whatever came to me. Also to Sira & Ria for again running an awesome exchange.

=/\=

_For Want Of Passion_

Life was cruel and its sense of irony left Kathryn Janeway teeming with tension and discontent.

She threw her head back from its view of the passing stars that took her further from Quarra and the most peace she'd found in five years. Her hands raked through her hair and then wiped at the weary lines of her face, coming to rest on her sides as she hugged her chest tightly in a vain physical attempt to pull her emotions together.

It wasn't working.

Sighing she abandoned the viewport and began to systematically disrobe on the way to her bedroom, plinking off her pips one by one. She discarded each item of clothing haphazardly in a pile on the floor and then stood in front of the mirror staring at the weary woman who met her broken gaze. Her eyes swept over her nude form, cataloging each wrinkle, curve, untended scar. Jaffen had told her she was beautiful. Taking in her form she only halfheartedly agreed. Her curves weren't as tight as they used to be and gravity hadn't been so kind in some areas. And though she was prone to skipping meals she had filled out in places since the beginning of her now seven year trek. He had still made her feel beautiful, and content—exceedingly content. Like fresh dried clothes or the smell of a new book. Content felt wonderful, but a contented life is stagnant. She still felt unchallenged, passionless and more than anything unsatisfied.

The irony of life had taken her from a stressful, guilt-ridden life and a deep and meaningful friendship with a man with whom she could never be truly intimate and deposited her into a carefree life with a man with whom she could only really have a deep and meaningful friendship. Foreplay was nice and comfortable and he'd pleasured her in any way he could but underneath the mask she lived in was a fiery and wanting woman.

With one last look she groaned and headed to her dresser. She grabbed the first nightgown she saw and sighed as the blue silk grazed over her soft flesh. She grabbed her matching robe and settled herself on her couch; head in hand, thoughts still in tumult. She needed passion. Correction, Kathryn needed passion and her memories of Quarra had done wonders in prying the woman's desires from the stoic Captain.

=/\=

Chakotay had been staring in indecision at his door for longer than he cared to admit. He'd been on the edge of his couch, his heart and thoughts a jumble. He'd seen her when she entered the bridge after Jaffen had been beamed back. He'd noticed the crack in her mask—the pain that whether she knew it or not had been visible to anyone with sight. She had promised him that she was happy to be back and if it hadn't been for the undercurrent of sadness his heart would have sang.

Over the years they had formed an incredible bond. Though they never had a physical relationship theirs was a joining of souls. He knew from the start that they complimented if not completed each other. She was the most beautiful, complex and brilliant woman he'd ever encountered and she made him feel whole. Almost.

He'd accepted years ago that there could never be more. Whether she couldn't or simply wouldn't was a concept that changed by the month as far as he was concerned. Currently, in light of recent events he was decided that she couldn't but desperately wanted to. For her to meet and take up with a man in the brief time that the crew had been abducted, he knew that she'd needed everything she wouldn't allow him to offer her.

The idea that Jaffen could have stayed and been by her side made him reel with jealousy.

Their relationship had been broken and mended and tested by fire more times than he cared to remember and they'd grown stronger for it. If he'd had to watch another man take his place at her side…

He knew she was hurting and he wanted to be there, right where he belonged. He longed to hold her, but she'd have none. He wanted to comfort her though she'd never allow it. He wanted to be everything that she needed but his bruised pride was keeping him on the edge of the couch; keeping him wrought with indecision.

She needed him.

He tamped down his pride and rose with a heavy sigh.

=/\=

"Come." She called, wrapping the robe a little tighter around herself, looking up to offer a waning smile to her entering First Officer. He came in just a little ways and stopped. She was beautiful. The stars were painting her figure with a soft glow that reflected off the flecks of gold in her hair and the silken threads of her robe. He took a deep breath and walked in a little further.

"I just wanted to see if you're still glad to be back," he offered lightly with a small smile. She didn't take the bait and he watched as her face fell, unabashedly unguarded. He took a few more steps, his stomach twisting at his apparent poor attempt to lighten the mood. He watched her quivering jaw set, her cloudy gaze fix and her sunken posture right itself. Damn the power the Captain had over her. "Kathryn," he pleaded, not wanting to be brushed aside by her straight-laced, unfeeling alter ego. He stepped just next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Kathryn," he said softer and he felt her shiver from the point of contact, watching while her head bowed and a tear appeared in the corner of her eye. He flexed his arm only in the slightest and to his wonder and surprise she complied, allowing him to fold her in his arms. Her forehead rested on his chest, her small hands over his breast as he held her head in his own and with the other he soothed her back.

"I love being the Captain, Chakotay." He heard after few minutes, her voice strained from unshed tears. "My commitment to this crew is absolute." He heard her, knew where she was headed and began to focus on every point where her body was touching his. The feel of each strand of hair, every curve and bump along the line of her back. He soaked it up like a man about to lose his senses. His focus was so steadfast he almost didn't hear. "But she is so all-encompassing that at times I can't breathe." It was whispered, like a private prayer or her innermost secret and his breath stopped. Leaving her hands on his chest she raised her head to meet his tender gaze. He was lost—in her honesty, in her scent, in her eyes. "Kathryn needs to breathe."

As soon as the words left her mouth she felt relief and alarming calm; her path was clear. The shock and tiniest gleam of hope in his loving brown eyes told her he'd be willing. She couldn't have a carefree life but she could have peace in the midst of chaos. There was a way to meld her needs with her duty and she was loathe to admit he'd always been the answer. He always let her breathe, allowing in the small confines of their quarters for the façade to ease and for her to be herself. He let her be Kathryn and knew when Captain was necessary.

This was a pivotal moment. With each skirmish, each disappointment, each loss the Captain was slowly eclipsing Kathryn and she'd finally reached the end. She could step out of his arms, steady herself and retreat, giving into duty and abandoning any dreams she held to for the next thirty years of their journey. Or—she could surrender. To the passion, to the challenge, to the man who was everything she'd ever need standing right in front of her, holding her with such reverence.

She slowly licked her lips and watch in awe as her right hand gradually slid up his firm chest, passed his neck and gingerly through his hair. The tremor that passed through him filled her with desire and she wondered at the power they wielded over each other.

"Kathryn?" His question uttered in absolute quiet as his eyes closed, relishing in the sensations she was evoking. He marveled that his body was already beginning to betray him and he subconsciously attempted to shift his hips, a maneuver he'd perfected over the course of their journey but she moved her other hand around his waist holding him steadfast. With her hesitance long gone she began to bring his head to hers. He felt the gentle pressure at the base of his neck and fell to it, longing for his first taste of her. As his forehead met hers, reason began to reassert itself and he found himself easing out of her grasp to turn and put some distance between them. He'd wanted her for longer than he cared to admit and in many other moments of weakness he would have pressed on without regard. Seven years living off table scraps of emotion had apparently made him cautious. He didn't miss her shock or the subtle clearing of her throat as she secured her robe, crossing her arms across her body in a play at self-preservation. He brought his hand up to cover his own reaction, taking a few steps from the couch and the tension that was suffocating both of them while trying to rein in his racing thoughts.

She felt bereft and confused, foolish and rejected. She knew he wanted her and for the first time since she'd met him she was willing to admit to herself just how much she wanted him. He hadn't left, she could see his mind cataloguing his thoughts and preparing what he wanted to say but the longer they stood in silence, the worse she felt. Unable to stand the intensity of the moment or eventual outcome of the impending conversation without liquid courage she padded to the replicator ordering them both a coffee.

He took his with a nod and finally let his eyes meet hers, what he saw there almost made his resolve crumble. He took a small step toward her, wrapping her small hand in his.

"Jaffen could have stayed." When he finally spoke her head snapped up and the reason behind what she'd assumed to be rejection unearthed itself. Her head began to shake, slowly, gaining momentum. "I'd assumed that you asked him," he continued, watching her take a small sip of coffee before releasing his hand and walking away. She stopped just before the viewport, leaning on it while she cradled her drink.

"She cared for him," she began and he stepped a little closer.

"She was you, Kathryn," he interrupted and she held up her hand in a plea to let her continue.

"You know me, Chakotay. I'm a hard-headed, exceedingly stubborn woman who feels things incredibly deeply, sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice. You know my past and you know how it's made me who I am." She leaned her head on the viewport, allowing the streaking stars to steady her. "You saw me free down there, uninhibited and mildly reckless but without any of the cornerstone events that ground and center me. They took all of that from me and she is who was left. I had a need for affection and love long before my thoughts were tampered with." She looked at him with a mock serious expression that he couldn't help but smile at. "We've danced around our own feelings for at least five years. Would you really expect the woman you know to drop everything and move herself in with a man after just a couple weeks?" Though the wound was still relatively fresh, somewhere deep down she was still able to find the humor in her predicament. The chuckle that escaped lightened both their hearts and, relinquishing his coffee he crossed over, taking her in his arms. Her head resting on his shoulder, she placed her coffee on the ledge and wrapped her arms around him, melting into the embrace. He was giving her strength and comfort and she breathed him in, finally feeling reprieve.

"You know that I want you, Kathryn," he started, blissfully taking in how well she molded to him. "You had just spent the last few weeks in the arms of another man—I had to be sure." He placed a chaste kiss on her forehead and ran his hands along the muscles of her back, kneading as he went. "After seven years you have to know that I'm not just staying for a night, and I won't be your rebound." He brought one hand up to hold her cheek, pulling her slightly away so he could find her eyes, speaking almost reverently the words he'd held back years ago. "I've loved you more than I thought was possible and for longer than I was able to admit to myself. If I stay tonight, I stay tomorrow night and every night that follows." Her heart jumped into her throat and she felt momentarily winded as the timbre and intensity of his words rocked her to her core. She ducked her head slightly, hoping to compose herself and released a shaky breath, her eyes burning from the threat of falling tears. When her head finally rose her smile was luminous if not ethereal, her eyes lit with resolve and courage.

"I love you, Chakotay." Her voice was thick and harsh but the words fed a fire inside of him, a full dimpled smile bursting forth. "I have so long and so deeply that at times when everything else was crumbling around me, it was all I had to hold onto. Something so real and penetrating that it, even though I couldn't act on it, became my beacon. My safe harbor. When my uniform gets stifling and I forget how to be a woman, you sense it and you save me, even if you don't realize at the time." She brought her hand up to rest on his; still caressing her cheekbone and her blue eyes bore into his brown passionately. "Save me, Chakotay," her whispered plea was all the encouragement he needed and without further fanfare he guided her lips to his.

Hours later, their bodies spent and glistening they lay in her bed, she curled into his side enfolded in his arms, she began to laugh quietly. He turned and propped himself on his hand, brushing a stray lock behind her ear while she chuckled.

"What is it?" He wondered, amazed at her ease and vulnerability with him now.

"I've dreamt for years about this," she smiled shyly at her admission. "About how I would finally relent, about how we'd come together. I knew you'd be…avid and insatiable—that we'd be like pieces of a puzzle." She laughed again and he wondered at the joke he seemed to be missing out on.

"I'm still missing something," he said, delighted to see her so free with her emotions and yet still his Kathryn. Surprising him she rolled him on his back, moving to straddle him, the blankets falling away to his knees exposing to him her pale glowing skin.

"It's just a wonder to me that it took weeks of foreplay with a Norvalian for us to finally, **finally** get to this point." Her smile was brilliant but he couldn't help the tiniest bit of jealousy to intermingle with his confusion. He gripped her hips and pulled her more fully against him, allowing her to feel his desire for her. She placed her hands on either side of his head, leaning forward and capturing his lips in a tender and fiery kiss. Breaking the kiss she positioned herself and sank down, her eyes closing and her expression one of complete peace and fulfillment. As they began to move in tandem she met his gaze and bit her lip hesitantly. "The problem with shacking up with the first alien who hits on you…" Just as they both simultaneously reached their peaks she placed her lips right next to his ear and whispered, "You find one who's ill-equipped and leaves you hungry for what you've wanted all along." Without another word she disengaged herself with a kiss to his cheek and sauntered unabashedly naked into the adjoining bathroom. As realization dawned, Chakotay laughed out loud and just lay there shaking his head after her. Any remaining mess of jealousy had evaporated and he knew he was forever lost to this woman—except that they were finally home.

=/\=


End file.
